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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27535054">it's raining</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/pouty_hoseok/pseuds/pouty_hoseok'>pouty_hoseok</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Songfics [13]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Stray Kids (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Dancing in the Rain, Depressing, Depression, Drabble, Heartbreak, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Minor Bang Chan/Lee Felix, No Fluff, Rain, Sad Lee Felix (Stray Kids), Self Confidence Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Songfic, Suicidal Thoughts, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 16:09:30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,562</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27535054</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/pouty_hoseok/pseuds/pouty_hoseok</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>It’s raining when Felix goes out to the roof. He thinks it’s nice to dance in.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Bang Chan/Lee Felix</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Songfics [13]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1599289</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>42</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>it's raining</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Please, please, PLEASE do NOT read this if you are at all triggered by suicide or depression because that is a HUGE part of this fic.<br/>also lmk if you want a part 2</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <a href="http://youtube.com/watch?v=zR7emHbRQug">
    <em>
      <span>42</span>
    </em>
  </a>
</p><p>
  <span>He thinks if he strains his ears enough, he can hear the sirens coming to get him. Felix wants to laugh and he thinks he does because he can hear something akin to a chuckle break through the silence of his living room. He feels sick and lightheaded as if he’s not totally grounded, his head spinning as he sits on the couch. The smoke clogging his lungs is heavy, just like the joint in his hand. Everything feels heavy though, from his toothbrush to his razor. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>They’re coming,</span>
  </em>
  <span> he thinks, lazy and lethargic. Hm, that feels repetitive. Lethargic? What does it mean, is lazy one of its synonyms? Maybe he should look it up. It’d give him something to do, a distraction, though he can’t find it in himself to go and grab his phone. He feels too empty, too tired, too much like there’s no purpose. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Why am I here, anyway?</span>
  </em>
  <span> Felix thinks, eyes lazily following the path of the smoke. God, he’s so unhealthy, so stupid. So sick, so, so sick that he can hardly get up off his ass to make some instant ramen. And that’s only when he’s high enough to get hungry. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I take better care of myself when I’m high than when I’m sober,</span>
  </em>
  <span> runs through his head, the words slow as their brethren. But everything’s too slow now or too fast and Felix can’t pick which he prefers. God, he should get up. He should get up and go out, bandage the cuts on his wrists because it’ll hurt even more if they get infected and he knows he won’t take himself to the doctor if he needs to. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix looks around, stares at his living room. The place is - well, to say the least, it’s a mess. He hasn’t been cleaning, can’t because the thought of doing so is terrifying. He can’t stand the idea of getting up and functioning like an actual human being because </span>
  <em>
    <span>what the hell.</span>
  </em>
  <span> He feels so sick, so stupid, so empty, so useless, worthless-</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Brrring, brring!</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>His ringtone cuts through the silence and feels like a punch to the gut. Felix jerks in place, turning to his phone. Oh. So that’s where it went. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>His hand shakes when he picks up. He doesn’t bother reading the name; the idea of talking to someone is enticing enough. Because, despite it all, something in Felix still wants to live. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Hey, Lix,”</span>
  </em>
  <span> someone says and Felix feels his chest closing up as he presses the phone against his ear. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Chris?” he says, his voice deep and raspy and broken but hope continues to flutter in his chest.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Yup!”</span>
  </em>
  <span> the man says and Felix wants to fall to his knees and sob. </span>
  <em>
    <span>“Hey, what’re you up to? C’I come over? You busy right now?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>The words get caught in Felix’s throat and he gapes stupidly like some sort of fish. No, don’t come over, please don’t, you’re wasting your time on me, I’m not worth it, just </span>
  <em>
    <span>go</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I - I-” he stammers, his tongue heavy in his mouth the way it gets when he’s high or talking to Chan. Felix wants to scream, wants to open his mouth and shriek into the phone because it all hurts so much. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Hey, it’s totally fine if you say no,”</span>
  </em>
  <span> Chris says, his voice soft. </span>
  <em>
    <span>“I don’t care.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>The words feel like a slap to the face and a breath of fresh air all at the same time. He doesn’t care, oh, thank </span>
  <em>
    <span>god</span>
  </em>
  <span>, Chan doesn’t care, it doesn’t matter, he can just say he’s busy-</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I love you,”</span>
  </em>
  <span> Chan says, then, and now Felix is back at square one. Chan isn’t allowed to </span>
  <em>
    <span>do</span>
  </em>
  <span> that, not when Felix is trying to cut all of his ties before he actually does anything. It’s easier that way, so no one holds him down and no one cares and he can go knowing everything’s okay. </span>
  <em>
    <span>“If you want, I can just drop some food off.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“N-no, I’m fine,” Felix lies, </span>
  <em>
    <span>lies</span>
  </em>
  <span> because it’s the only thing he’s good at anymore and he needs Chan to stop caring because it’s too dangerous. And holy shit, holy shit, he’s hyperventilating because it’s all too much and it’s too much and he just wants to go to </span>
  <em>
    <span>sleep-</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Hey, Lix, deep breaths with me now, okay? In, out. In, out. Remember?”</span>
  </em>
  <span> Chris says from the other end of the line and Felix wants to scream because he can’t, it’s too much, he can’t get enough </span>
  <em>
    <span>air</span>
  </em>
  <span>, his lungs are too small, his hands are twitching and, oh, up, there goes the phone, falling down, down, and Chris is saying something but Felix can’t hear because he doesn’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>know</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It courses through him, slowly, and then, suddenly, just as quickly as it started, the panic attack is gone. Felix walks slowly, his feet dragging, so slow, there he goes, and he doesn’t really know what to do with himself but he knows what he wants and it’s been so long. Oh, God, he can already hear the sirens, but why doesn’t he care? Why can’t he make himself wake up from this trance, why is he still moving toward the bathroom that he should’ve let Chan clean out when he brought it up? Why does he drag himself to the door, open it after a few tries and plug in his hairdryer like some idiot? What’s wrong with him, why is he gasping like this, he needs to get out, he needs to get out, he needs-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix runs. He leaps away from the bathtub, grabbing his keys and pushing the door open as he bangs out of his shitty little apartment. He finds the stairs because the elevator will take too long and he takes two at a time, tripping and slamming his knee against a stair. The pain is bright but numbed by something else, some sort of adrenaline that’s taken him over and now has him running up the stairs until he reaches the roof and can kick the door open. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s raining. Raining heavily, thunder booming after lightning strikes through dark, nearly monotonous clouds. Felix looks up at the sky as the rain soaks into his old sweatshirt that belongs to Chan and it certainly won’t be nice to pull off of a limp body, does he know how to wash blood out of clothes? Felix does, from before he transitioned and even a little after, though he doesn’t know if Chan does. Does he know?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix shuts his eyes and forces himself to exhale. And then, suddenly, some sort of energy takes him over and he finds himself dancing. It’s not good - far from it to be honest - yet Felix dances, throwing his head back as he sways to an imaginary melody only he can hear. His body jerks and his movements become sporadic as he gets closer to the edge, having lost all need to care. He throws himself into it because he might as well die doing something he used to love, dancing like there’s no one watching because these words inside of his head won’t stop until he’s sleeping and maybe then-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“FELIX!” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He stops. Felix looks down, dizzying at the sight of the street below him. He stands on the edge and stares at Chan as he stares back, eyes wide and desperate. He’s holding a hand out and beside him, a plastic bag of takeout sits, abandoned in his haste to stop Felix from falling. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Falling. Felix could fall, could end it all right </span>
  <em>
    <span>now</span>
  </em>
  <span>. The thought makes him delirious and he finds himself to be gasping once again, crying out into the city that won’t answer because who cares about just one more suicide?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Felix, don’t jump, don’t do it, </span>
  <em>
    <span>please</span>
  </em>
  <span>,” Chan begs and Felix thinks that maybe he should. He turns to look over his shoulder at Chan again and thinks about how he hates when he cries because it always breaks his heart so much yet-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I - Channie-Hyung,” Felix says. Chan steps toward him, slow and steady but still like he’s trying to comfort a frightened animal. Felix shakes in place as he turns back to look down, gasping for air like the rain falling around him is drowning him, suffocating him just as the thoughts in his head do. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>This time, when he hears the sirens, they’re real. Felix shakes in place, quite literally, or maybe not, he doesn’t know. He’s losing it, he’s losing it, he’s going to </span>
  <em>
    <span>lose</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Felix, please,” Chan says, not daring to get any closer lest he accidentally pushes Felix off of the edge. Felix turns to look at him again and stares, chest heaving, at the man who he loves more than anything in this entire world and he - and he - </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He falls. It feels like it’s slowed, like time is some sort of oozy, gooey honey and Felix feels laughter climbing out of him. He watches as Chris screams, still slowed by some greater power, and runs toward him, reaching for Felix’s outstretched hands. But Felix falls and Chan can’t save him and the loop breaks and Felix finds himself hurtling through the air at some unknown speed. He stares at Chan as the older screams and hangs off of the edge, holding his hand out for Felix as his tears mix with the rain. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Huh.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s raining.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Please, please do reach out to someone someway if you are suicidal/depressed. I promise it does help even though it takes time and healing isn't an easy process and it takes a long time and it can really suck sometimes but I promise that it DOES help</p></blockquote></div></div>
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